Author's Note
This story is based off of the Ramayana. In the original
story Rama is banished from the kingdom because of his evil stepmother wanting
her son to rule instead of Rama. While Rama is banished from the kingdom he is
attacked by the rakshasa’s. I created a similar story about my character being
banished. The character, Will is banished from the kingdom because he is
practicing magic, Will is my representation of Rama. I represent the rakshasa
with a creature called a Gizar. This Gizar is just something I came up with. A friend
even thought of the name. I love writing fantasy stories so I took magical
elements from the epic.
During the fight between Rama and the rakshasa, Rama unexpectedly
pulls out celestial weapons to defeat the rakshasa. So in my story I surprise
the Gizar with Will being able to use magic.
Story
The day seemed hotter than usual in the jungle, Will was use
to the heat but today was it oddly unbearable. Will had lived in the jungle for
two years, not by choice, he had been banished from his kingdom because he
loved and practiced the dark magic. Since his banishment he had been journeying
north to what he heard was a new and undiscovered land. Will didn’t know if
there was any truth to the legend but he had nowhere else to go.
The one good thing about living in the jungle was Will could
practice his magic any time he wanted, and that was exactly what he did. Will
heard rattling in the distance and took cover to see what the gods gave him for
dinner. As the thing came closer Will started to make out what it was, a
Grizar. This was no gift from the gods, it was a curse from the underworld. Will
only had a bow and a jagged dagger. He drew his bow and notched an arrow and
aimed it at the Grizar. He released the arrow, the Grizar reacted immediately
and caught the arrow right before it hit him. The Grizar let out a snarling
laugh,
“You stupid, stupid mortal, you really think you can kill me
that easily?”
“What part of the underworld did you crawl out of?” Will said
with rage.
The Gizar just smiled and jumped toward Will, Will pulled
out his dagger to defend himself and took a swing. The GIzar blocked with his
arm as the dagger sliced across it. Will
backed up and parried the creature’s swings.
“What brought you here, creature?” Will shouted as the
continued to battle
The Gizar was determined not to answer as he lunged towards
Will, as the creature was in the air Will released a spell that froze the Gizar
in midair, the Gizar looked at Will stunned. He did not expect Will to use
magic.
“Ha, you beast. I am more than mortal.” Will hissed.
Will started to walk off, leaving the beast floating in the
air. The beast yelled profanities at Will but he ignored them and continued
walking.
Will continued north through the jungle, after his
adrenaline had subsided he realized he still had not eaten. It was getting late
and it is never a good idea to wander the jungle at night so his stomach would
have to wait until tomorrow. Will noticed the Jungle getting thinner, more
light was coming through the trees. Will had about twenty minutes of daylight
so continued for a while longer.
Right as the sun was setting Will had broken out of the
jungle. There was a vast open land with a huge wall protecting some town or city.
Will was taken aback, he wasn’t expecting it to be civilized beyond the jungle.
Will stepped forward and as he did men in armor sprang out of the trees and
drew there weapons. Will smiled, he was finally going to have a new home.
The Jungle
From TOPHDIMGS
This was a really great story Ollie! I can definitely see the ties to the Ramayana, but you also made it all it's own with new character, place, and purpose. My favorite part was when he froze the Gizar right where he was; this was completely unexpected, and I thought it a good place to insert the use of his magic.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I wondered during the read, was his banishment forever or was it a set time? Also, did he actually do something wrong with his magic to get him banished, or was it solely that he was a magician? For one seems like a fair punishment, where the other does not.
You left the story at a complete cliffhanger, which I found mesmerizing. I do hope you end up creating another story about Will, for I would love to see where his story ends up. If you left it open to interpretation, then I choose to believe he ended up fine, and became a great sorcerer for the new town!
I really loved your story! You did a fantastic job of describing the fight with the Grizar. I could imagine bit by bit what was going on. I liked the anticipation and the mystery of what was beyond the forest and finding out that there was a whole new city! How neat is that! I want to know what happens next!
ReplyDeleteHi again!
ReplyDeleteYou did a wonderful job with this story! How you depicted the fight with Grizar was really well done. Something you did that I love is breaking up the dialogue and separating it out of the paragraphs. It makes it so much easier to read. It would be super cool if you used Will as like a main character and created a universe around him with stories this semester. You're doing a wonderful job! I look forward to reading more!
Hey there, Olivia!
ReplyDeleteYou are a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! This was such an imaginative story – it was a great interpretation on the original. I immediately become more curious about the story: why was Will banished and what exactly is a Grizar? I thought it was great that Will just left the beast frozen in the air – it seemed like a fitting punishment for the Grizar. I really enjoyed your story!
This was such a fun story because it started out like a magical fairytale, then moved on to a scary movie type plot, then ended with a bit of comedy. The fight scene was awesome as well, with Will bringing out his magic to the unsuspecting Grizar. I was a little unsure of what a Grizar was, but I'm assuming it's some sort of creature? The ending scene was hilarious. Leaving the Grizar in midair yelling profanities was the perfect closing to the story. I am curious what happens to him, though. Does he stay there forever in midair or does Will ever encounter him again?
ReplyDeleteHey Ollie! I thought it was really cool that you took a concept of the story (the jungle) and made it your own. Your original piece was a breath of fresh air, really. I read somewhere that the jungle and forests in Indian readings represent the supernatural world so you really hit the nail on the head by incorporating the gizar and Will’s use of magic. In your intro, you say that you are not much of a writer but I disagree. I thought you did a really great job with this story. The only thing I wish there was more of was more use of black magic when he was fighting the gizar. Especially since Will got kicked out of his last Kingdom from using it. I really like how you ended the story for it leaves us wanting more. Was Will able to blend in the new kingdom or did he get in trouble again?
ReplyDeleteHi Ollie. The title of your story caught my eye, mostly because it has my name in it, but also because I had no idea what a Gizar was? For me, the biggest “wow” moment in this piece was the way you chose to end it. I couldn’t tell if Will was just confident that he was going to be taken in by the people of the newly discovered city, or if he was confident that he was going to defeat the men in armor and take a home for himself. Either way, I think it was a great idea to leave the conclusions up to the reader to imagine for themselves. I really wanted to know what the physical features of the Gizar were, and I feel it could really add to the story if you chose to incorporate some more details it. As I looked at the format of the story I found that you did a very good job of breaking the text up into less sizable chunks, which I feel makes it easier for the reader to digest. You also chose a good photo to give the reader an idea about the setting. I would have liked to see a link to the story to see how it compared to your take though. Overall, I enjoyed this story and I thank you for sharing it with us.
ReplyDelete